Gotta Just Do IT

The hardest part of this process is governing your own time, and being upset with yourself when you don't do what you say you will. That is where I am. My colleague just defended and has a job. I am very happy for him, but I won't deny that it makes me upset with myself. Now, clearly, his life is different than mine. I don't really have a financial support system and I have to think things through a little differently. But I have wasted a lot of time thinking, and doing other meaningless things when I could be working. So I am a little upset with myself. I want to finish, but it is almost like I am afraid to get done. I am a horrible multi-tasker. I only have true obligations on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that should leave me no excuse. I have been working out consistently, and I get so caught up in that, that I neglect my work. I dunno. This process just freaks me out. But in my class I teach about taking on obstacles like a bull. So I need to do just that. It is weird for me because I am almost devoid of emotion. I don't cry, I don't do much caring, I have no idea what "in my feelings" consists of, but this process frustrates the hell out of me. But I have decided to put it behind me and really come up with a plan. A strategic plan. I want to be ready to defend by my birthday. That is 6 months from now. I am off of school May 15th, and I am not working this summer. So I can actually do this. So now, I am gonna work to come up with a strategic plan to get this done. I need to lay out a plan, in handwriting, with measurable outcomes and deadlines. Gotta get it together. Just gotta do it...

Friends...They Just Don't Understand

The doctoral process is a really unique thing. There are many high points and even more low points. Most of the low points have to deal with personal situations. Now, the funny thing about me is that I am a happy loner. I love to be alone. However, my friends love to be around me. They wanna go here, go there and I'm like NO! They don't get it. They get mad when I don't show up and when I don't respond. But what they don't understand is that I have 1 responsibility and that it is to finish this dissertation. They are not doctoral students so they have no idea what I am doing and why. I get that. But I don't try to take them away from their obligations. So why do they try to take me from mine? I am trying to secure my life NOW. I am not trying to rip and run then look up, be 35 and stuck like most of them will do. I want to get it now and chill. So I am isolating myself until I am done. I don't care who gets mad, who talks about me, who feels some type of way. This is what I am doing.

Not as Bad as I Thought...

So at the suggestion of my committee member, CDC lady, I changed my dissertation topic just a little. I was all distraught and confused on where to pick up. I am one of those people who need to mind map for a long time and then can make up for that time in a day or two. It totally defies all of what we are taught but I continue to do it. Yesterday, I was sitting on my couch and just said to God "Just show me how? Show me where to start!" Just like that, God spoke and said "go to the stash of articles you printed 3 yrs ago. It's in there." So I separated the articles and there were a series of articles that pointed me in the right direction. I grabbed my highlighter, pen and pad and went to work! I was then able to outline where I am gonna go with this and began writing. I had to tell myself to stop getting stuck on sequence. Then as I wrote, I realized that much of the info from my old topic also applied to my new topic and I was so happy! *COMMAND C, COMMAND V* Just like that I had 12 pages within the hr. So I am so happy because I realize that with this topic, I have a whole lot more info and it's easier to plan. So I am excited to know that it is not as bad as I thought!

Gains Disguised As Setbacks...

So, I have some pretty important people on my committee. At my defense, baby doctor tells me she wants me to be more ambitious. In a later convo with my chair, CDC doctor says that I should tweek my topic to what's hot in the public health world. Chair agrees, tells me it is my decision. I was worried that this would be a setback, but CDC doctor assures me that she will help me get into top journals with this topic, but I could stick to what I proposed if I wanted. So, after realizing that I could still use the database I had, I realized it made sense. If I am gonna do this thing, I might as well do it right, right? Besides, Pimp C said "Top notch h*es get the more and not the lesser!" and I definitely want the more, not the lesser. Well, to lit review I go...

L

GO AWF BI*TCH!!!! Then bring it back....

Today is one of those days where I want to write in all caps...but I will spare you the visual aggression. So...I just did my taxes and the only way to express how I feel is by singing D'angelo's SHIT,DAMN,MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!

Now trust, I was completely not excited about my W2s arriving, but my sis just had to rush and do my taxes. All I can say is, I need prepH and stitches to repair my asshole! So of course, this leads to a stream of thoughts that all doctoral students come upon:

WTF am I doing this for?

I could be making WAY more money if I got a job!!!

I can't do this sh*t any longer!

WDF!!!!!!!!!!!

But then you let cooler heads prevail, and realize

1. While I owe Delaware & PA, my federal taxes will pay that.

2. a normal, 5 days/wk job w/supervisors & stuff aint gonna work for me

3. Giving up is the easiest, most cowardly thing to do

4. Me finishing could inspire one more girl to choose to use their brain and not their ass to become something valuable

5. Aint nothing hotter than being called a motherf*ckin DR.

And just like that...IM FOCUSED MAN!!!!

A hug and a kiss?

So after much angst and delay...I finally defended my proposal. I am not sure how it went. It wasn't good...wasn't bad...but it was. One of my committee members is a revered obstetrician. She mainly just told me...she wants me to be more ambitious. She had some critique, some suggestions but her overall tone was that she felt I could do something better. I was flattered and pissed at the same time. I didn't know what to think. I kept saying to myself as I waited,"If I have to change this shit I'm gonna cry!" I waited for about 25 mins as they deliberated. When the door opened, they emerged with coats on and she was like "I have to go." Then the unthinkable happened. She hugged me, and cheek kissed me saying "Congrats!" I was so confused! A hug and kiss in academia? From the woman who has made me feel a little inadequate at times? WTF was going on? It's a whole 24 hrs later and I am still confused. I don't know if it was a general good job embrace, or an "I'm gonna dig in your ass" Judas styled kiss. I dunno. But what I do know is that I'm a candidate now!

Relationships and PhDs

So I have a great boyfriend. He gets on my nerves, but he is really a good guy. We have two main problems, but thankfully these problems are only centered around US. I don't worry about him messing around or anything, and trust me it is a great feeling. But last week I was reading material for my certification program and it said "Limiting yourself to one geographic region severely decreases your chances of finding faculty appointment. You may need to live a part for a few years." So of course, the first thing I said was, "hell nah! Same state or break-up." Then I really got scared like, what if I can't find a job in this area?" I really started to panic. So I immediately started to say to myself, "this is why it is best to be single while you do this." But then, just as I thought this, he texted me saying, "I wish that I could help you with your work and make things easier for you, you can do it." This made me feel better. While it may be easier in terms of accepting positions all over the country, you really do need someone to support you during this process. Our phone conversations, dates, hanging out and supportive texts do make things easier. But, being in a relationship while doing this is also very hard, especially when they aren't doing it as well. This isnt the kind of job that ends when you get home. Most of the time, that's where it begins. Sometimes I want to go home & sulk in housecoat, but he wants me to be sexy and pop it for a goon. IT IS HARD. But, I know there are much more difficult things in life. I just have to find a balance. It starts with adhering to a schedule, which I can't seem to do. But it'll be okay sooner, rather than later.