GO AWF BI*TCH!!!! Then bring it back....

Today is one of those days where I want to write in all caps...but I will spare you the visual aggression. So...I just did my taxes and the only way to express how I feel is by singing D'angelo's SHIT,DAMN,MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!!

Now trust, I was completely not excited about my W2s arriving, but my sis just had to rush and do my taxes. All I can say is, I need prepH and stitches to repair my asshole! So of course, this leads to a stream of thoughts that all doctoral students come upon:

WTF am I doing this for?

I could be making WAY more money if I got a job!!!

I can't do this sh*t any longer!

WDF!!!!!!!!!!!

But then you let cooler heads prevail, and realize

1. While I owe Delaware & PA, my federal taxes will pay that.

2. a normal, 5 days/wk job w/supervisors & stuff aint gonna work for me

3. Giving up is the easiest, most cowardly thing to do

4. Me finishing could inspire one more girl to choose to use their brain and not their ass to become something valuable

5. Aint nothing hotter than being called a motherf*ckin DR.

And just like that...IM FOCUSED MAN!!!!

A hug and a kiss?

So after much angst and delay...I finally defended my proposal. I am not sure how it went. It wasn't good...wasn't bad...but it was. One of my committee members is a revered obstetrician. She mainly just told me...she wants me to be more ambitious. She had some critique, some suggestions but her overall tone was that she felt I could do something better. I was flattered and pissed at the same time. I didn't know what to think. I kept saying to myself as I waited,"If I have to change this shit I'm gonna cry!" I waited for about 25 mins as they deliberated. When the door opened, they emerged with coats on and she was like "I have to go." Then the unthinkable happened. She hugged me, and cheek kissed me saying "Congrats!" I was so confused! A hug and kiss in academia? From the woman who has made me feel a little inadequate at times? WTF was going on? It's a whole 24 hrs later and I am still confused. I don't know if it was a general good job embrace, or an "I'm gonna dig in your ass" Judas styled kiss. I dunno. But what I do know is that I'm a candidate now!

Relationships and PhDs

So I have a great boyfriend. He gets on my nerves, but he is really a good guy. We have two main problems, but thankfully these problems are only centered around US. I don't worry about him messing around or anything, and trust me it is a great feeling. But last week I was reading material for my certification program and it said "Limiting yourself to one geographic region severely decreases your chances of finding faculty appointment. You may need to live a part for a few years." So of course, the first thing I said was, "hell nah! Same state or break-up." Then I really got scared like, what if I can't find a job in this area?" I really started to panic. So I immediately started to say to myself, "this is why it is best to be single while you do this." But then, just as I thought this, he texted me saying, "I wish that I could help you with your work and make things easier for you, you can do it." This made me feel better. While it may be easier in terms of accepting positions all over the country, you really do need someone to support you during this process. Our phone conversations, dates, hanging out and supportive texts do make things easier. But, being in a relationship while doing this is also very hard, especially when they aren't doing it as well. This isnt the kind of job that ends when you get home. Most of the time, that's where it begins. Sometimes I want to go home & sulk in housecoat, but he wants me to be sexy and pop it for a goon. IT IS HARD. But, I know there are much more difficult things in life. I just have to find a balance. It starts with adhering to a schedule, which I can't seem to do. But it'll be okay sooner, rather than later.

PhD Blues

So I have been on break for 1 month and 4 days and have yet to successfully complete any of my goals. I have started them all, but have not finished them. I am experiencing insomnia, which is rare for me. This leads me to believe that I have the PhD blues. I did research on it to see if I was making this up, but alas, I was not! That made me feel a little better. I tried to cry, but I am so emotionless that crying is really difficult for me to do. I am weird like that. People die in real life and I say a prayer for them and turn to the NFL network. But every time Shelby dies on 'Steel Magnolias,' my eyes at least tear up. So I am frustrated. I defend my proposal on Monday and I am a little nervous. Not because of lack of knowledge or anything, but because of possible questions. I want people to say okay and just sign my paper lol I know it doesn't work that way though. But I will prepare in the next few days and just do it. I have to finish 2 mini-jobs that have taken longer than I expected so that I can be put in ABD status. Then, I want to submit an abstract for a presentation, which is due on Thursday. It's just so much! But I have to make this happen. Once I am done this defense, I will feel better but SHIT i hate this feeling. Doctoral work f*cks with an intellectual's head. Like comes at your self esteem. It actually takes you into a temporary bipolar state. Some days I wake up feeling capable of conquering the world, while others I can't get out of the bed. But the advice I keep getting is that regardless of how you feel; just do it! So I am going to forth, but I am depressed. Not social life, regular depressed. PhD depressed. It's different. It only applies to this work. When I'm not in a space where I am thinking about it; I am beyond happy. But as soon as I think of anything other than seeing signatures beside the "approved by" pages; I am blue as hell. I know I will get over it but DAMN I hate this space. But since mediocrity is not an option; I will get the hell over it.

Read Baby, Read!!!

The thing about the doctoral process, is that it filled with so many tricks of the trade and people hold on to those tricks like secret squirrels. I find it to be so stupid; but saute' and sizzle my academics, saute and sizzle. Anyhow, in a class for a certification program that I am in, someone asked in another context, "What do you now know, that you didn't know before?" I applied this to the PhD process and answered in my head, "A WHOLE BUNCH OF SHIT!" But, one of the most important things that I learned is that you don't need acceptance into a program to begin the process. That is, START READING before you even get there! If you have an interest, read about it! Get an idea of what has been done in the literature and you will begin to formulate ideas and research interests. Similarly, you will find out where paucity in the literature lies, and how you can contribute. It sounds so cliche, but reading really is the best way to be informed. Familiarize yourself with the dissertation proposal and research methods. Theoretical frameworks, quantitative and qualitative analyses. Learn the nomenclature. Study the scholarly language because it's nothing like your undergrad term papers. Go into this thing equipped to go H.A.M. on the program. Read, baby, read.

For Black Girls Who Consider Doctoral Degrees Cus 9-5s Weren't Gonna Get It

So...I have tried this before but didn't keep up with it. But now I think it is time for me to share much of this process with my black girls in academia. You see, I am Elle. I am addicted to lipgloss, obsessed with my hair *flips mane* and consider myself to be a scholar in the school of femininity. Aesthetic superiority is very important to me; and it just so happens that I am getting a PhD. In these last 4 yrs I have been experienced a process that many of US are unaware of, and/or afraid of. I have learned some dos and donts along the way, and am continuing to learn the many nuances of the PhD process. So in absence of many black female PhDs that look like me and value the same things that I do, I decided to do my part to help fill the void. So here is where I blog some of my experiences and hope that I can be of help to my fellow young, black females who aspire to obtain a PhD. So feel free to embark on this journey that is Dissertating While Black...and Girl.

My Research Brings All the Boys to the Yard???

As a doctoral student, conferences are one of the most important academic events *coughsvacationscoughs* that one can go to. Aside from using it as a forum to gain experience in presenting your research, it is also a great networking event. You meet a variety of researchers in the field and conversations usually begin with the exchange of name, school, dept, research interests etc. This usually leads to a deep discussion about research, exchange of cards and light hearted talks of collaborations. But of course for me, this whole exchange is different. To begin, I am usually asked if I am a grad student; which I find extremely annoying and offensive because this is usually implied. Then after looking me up and down, discussing my research and being in awe that someone with red lipstick and polish is actually smart, I get asked out for drinks. Now, some would say, "well what do you expect?" While I can not knock the men for trying, it is extremely uncomfortable situation. Part of my personal mantra is to debunk the myth that female professors/researchers are unattractive, asexual creatures. Thus, it is important to me that I stay cute. However, it is also important to me that I be taken seriously. While asking me out for a drink does not imply that I am seen as a joke, it still does not make it any less uncomfortable. But I won't complain, I guess it's these proc freqs and multi-level analyses that got these mofos going wild. lol

Late in the Paint...

While I frequently used the phrase "from a disadvantaged background" as a tool to secure 100% tuition and stipend, I truly never associated myself with the phrase. As a lass, I had all of the latest threads and I never wanted for anything. But today, I realized that I truly am from disadvantaged origin. As a doctoral student learning the academic process, disadvantaged has taken on a whole new meaning. You see, like most black folk, I didn't grow up with a Ph.D parent or family member. I barely even knew what it was. I was never privy to the process. I came into this game with the belief that I could do it. But unfortunately, as all academically inclined (read nerds) find;, being smart is not enough. We tend to think that we can just float through the process and rest on our academic laurels; but that it not the case. I didn't know how important it was to time publications, workshop presentations, seminar attendances, and certification program enrollment. I hear my colleagues speak of their PhD moms and dads and how they've been doing XYZ for the last two years and I am like "why didn't I get the memo?" But then I had to remember that there is no memo for US. There is no inside information because there are barely any insiders. But it is revelations such as this that reaffirm my purpose. That is, to be that black girl that goes first and learns the hard way so that I can send out memos to all of the black girls standing beside and behind me. It is hard, but someone has to do it. So while I was late getting to the paint, it's time for me to turn on Wacka Flocka Radio and go hard in that muth@f&cka.